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In the years that followed, there were occasional happy times, but mostly, it was a very dark place. I was forced into a job with a brand I didn’t want to work for because the money was ‘too good’. I wanted to cry when I didn’t fit into the clothes on the shoot because I wasn’t sample size. I would cry on set when I felt so uncomfortable, and they would just patch up my makeup. I never got the support I needed from the people who were supposed to take care of me. The attitude was more, ‘Put a plaster on the problem and keep her working; ‘Okay, maybe this girl needs help.’
As the pressure of the industry became unbearable, I fell into a deep depression. I didn’t want to show up for work; I couldn’t. And I was blamed for it. My agents used to tell me, ‘Other girls would die to be in your position. ‘You are very ungrateful’. I wanted to scream. Somewhere along the line, I completely lost myself, and had a mental breakdown.
So, in April 2021, I decided to take a step back from modeling. I was living in Los Angeles with my best friend Sahara Ray at the time and she was only fanning. I have never met someone who was so open and free with their body, who was not pressured and who could do things on their terms. We started doing nude shoots together, and then we started inviting other girls to create content with us. We would set up the shoot and build the set for them, we would sit and chat and shoot together. We were all taking off our clothes and running round, and everyone felt comfortable and safe. It’s amazing what you can do when it’s all women in the house. I remember thinking, why can’t the rest of the world come along?
I was making good money from OnlyFans almost immediately. I don’t want to say there’s a lot of information out there about how much girls earn, but it wasn’t about that for me. For me, it was about finding something where I could finally be myself and feel not only comfortable—something I hadn’t done in so long—but also empowered. The modeling industry is so glamorized and Onlyfans is so villainized, yet Onlyfans is the only place I’ve felt empowered and safe.
But when it was announced that I was fanning only, I was isolated by the press. There were headlines that I would ‘hit rock bottom’ because I couldn’t get modeling work. After that, I was fired from my collaboration with PacSun, I was fired from my agency, and everyone I worked with in modeling was let go. It had a huge impact on me, and I didn’t expect how much my life would change. From the time I was 16 I worked non-stop in an intense industry, doing online and not only received no support from those around me, but ridicule and shame for it. I started feeling depressed and anxious again. It wasn’t long until I couldn’t get out of bed, and numbed my anxiety with drugs and alcohol. And that’s why I checked myself into rehab earlier this year in February.
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